Saturday, August 27, 2005


3 Foods That Make Gals Horny

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HEY, GUYS! You can bed more babes than you can shake a stick at by feeding them a medley of three "sex foods" that drive women wild with desire: Raw oysters, foot-long weenies, and the Old World favorite, "Bavarian dingle loaf!"

The "love grub" is inexpensive and a cinch to make. Once you've dished it up, you basically just have to sit tight and wait for the object of your affection to start ripping her clothes off while shrieking at the top of her lungs, "Take me before I explode!"

"Savvy bachelors from all over the world have used these wonder foods throughout history to ply women who might otherwise be unapproachable," says Dr. Lawrence Fallon, a psychologist and food historian expert in Boston, Mass.

"Nothing is 100 percent, of course. But in nine cases out of 10, women who eat these foods are going to come on strong. And they aren't going to care what you look like or how much money you have.

"All they're going to care about is one thing -- getting you in the sack." The foods work "fairly well" alone, but for best results, "you should serve them all at one sitting," says Fallon.

"Needless to say, each of these items is suggestive of sex in its own right," he continues. "Oysters have long been associated with steamy love sessions and are considered a first-rate aphrodisiac.

"The slurping noises a person makes when eating them work subliminally to prepare everyone within earshot for a bawdy round of love play. The wiener adds weight to this unspoken but powerful sexual message.

"This is especially true if you choose franks that are unusually large. Instead of a puny 6- incher, buy extra-thick 'jumbos' or foot-long hot dogs that are going to make a real impression on your lady.

"Bavarian dingle loaf is the icing on your cake. You can buy all the ingredients to make it from scratch. Or you can just do what I do: Buy a can of biscuit dough and knead it all together into a big ball.

"Then roll it out by hand into the shape of manly privates. You can even throw in family jewels on one end if you like."

Bill K., of Franklin, Tenn., says he tried the wonder foods on his female supervisor at work, "a real witch who hated my guts."

"I took oysters and the dingle bread to work, and gave them to her for lunch," he recalls. "The next thing you know we're in the stockroom doing it like Chihuahuas in heat.

"I even got a raise out of it!"

Fallon says the Tennessee man's results "are typical and you can expect similar results no matter how ugly, unpopular or uncool you are."

"Just don't slip up and take the foods to your family reunion," he adds.

"Sex meals can be wonderful to play with, but you've got to use common sense."

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